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Horrors: Bouncing Breast Test

Posted by Lissa on March 24, 2010

(Why yes, I *am* Google-baiting, thank you for asking!)

Via Ace, we come across this eye-popping display of Hollywood scumbaggery:

Disney is searching for real treasure chests for its upcoming shoot of the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” swashbuckler — that is, women with natural breasts.

The movie studio has banned actresses with artificial enhancements for the fourth installment, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp as the drunken buccaneer Jack Sparrow.

The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking “beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

And they warn that there’ll be a “show and tell” day.

To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there’s nothing moving from the waist up, they’re saying, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not all flesh and bones — and you’re out.

Apparently, the bouncier the better, especially for sword-fighting action sequences, according to the Sunday Times of London.

To which I sputter:  After that mind-numbingly stupid piece of trash called “At World’s End,” they’re making ANOTHER Pirates movie?????

That is all.

8 Responses to “Horrors: Bouncing Breast Test”

  1. wolfwalker said

    “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,”

    Interesting …

    Tim Powers (dark-fantasy author extraordinaire, demonstrates what a hack Stephen King is) once wrote a pirate-themed novel called On Stranger Tides. Pirates, Blackbeard, voodoo magic, the Fountain of Youth, all set in the Caribbean. I wonder if there’s any connection?

  2. I don’t think this post had the effect you intended.
    I now have this movie on my “must see” list.

    Your friend,
    Dirty Old Man

  3. Brad K. said


    Here I thought you were taking a different tack. My neighbor was into horse riding. Serious, competition precision riding, called “dressage”. The ring size is determined to the meter, the movements are standard, again to the meter. Much of the judging is on control of yourself, your body movements, and your horse. Tanya tells me that after one competition a judge told her that if she needed to wear two bras to keep the excess motion down so it wouldn’t interfere with her control of her position on the horse, to wear two. Tanya said she thanked the lady for the advice.

    Instead, you bring to mind Rusty Warren’s 1970’s lounge act, as heard on YouTube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnniCsVzS1Q Where Rusty was making bawdy tunes with “Bounce your boobies”, it seems the Disney audition team wants to play the Ving Rhames character from Demi Moore’s “Striptease”. “See how a guy could get tendonitis?” was the line.

    I notice there wasn’t anything in your quote about Disney wanting a nice smile. That, I think, would be an interested in character rather than . . . well. Anyway. Theatre and entertainment is often like this. It is hard to be human, and create the illusion of entertainment. There is a *reason* people still enjoy community theater – and why they call Hollywood the “entertainment industry“.

  4. mike w. said

    Good move Disney! Real breasts are the best!

  5. Walt would have wanted to skip the fakies. Ne never forgave Snow White for stuffing.

  6. wrm said

    Mind-numbingly stupid? Who cares? Boooooobbbieeeesss!!!!!

  7. Brad K. said

    I notice they want models, not actresses, so I guess this is mere eye-candy, not needed to move the plot forward.

    They didn’t say they would exclude models that have extra molars pulled, to create that hollow cheek look they all have. They didn’t preclude nose jobs, either.

    Amazing what they do, to make a quality children’s picture.

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