Guess what woke me up this morning? No, it wasn’t Mike bustling about getting ready for work. No, it wasn’t the alarm going off repeatedly. (That doesn’t REALLY wake me up, that just makes me roll over enough to poke the Snooze button before I dive back into REM sleep. It’s that easy.) Actually, what woke me up this morning was difficulty breathing, a feeling of compression in my chest and occasional impacts to my chin. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and beheld this:
Any way you slice it, ’twas a helluva improvement from how I went to sleep feeling, which was like this.*
I really, truly have no idea what caused my sudden malady, but five minutes after we got home I started feeling like my midsection wanted to be roughly two feet larger than my skin allowed. For those of you fearing horrific medical details, fear not: 1) I promise I won’t ever write about really icky stuff, because, dude, my younger brothers and my future mother-in-law have this blog address, you really think I’d want them to read that? No, no, those details will be shared only with my older sister via phone; 2) nothing actually happened. I just felt wicked sick until I went to sleep. Oh, and made a LOT of funny gurgling sounds.
Good thing I didn’t get in that fight with the teenager after all, or my mad ninja skillz would be reduced to whimpering, cringing, and perhaps puking on my opponent’s shoes.
*For anyone who doesn’t click the link (or if it changes to something weird), I want y’all to flash on a shot from Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, in which Violet Beauregarde spontaneously turns into a balloon-blimp. I stopped chewing gum many years ago once I realized that my mom was right (people DO look like cows chewing their cud!), but I really, really want to try that gum sometime. Tomato soup, baked potato, steak and pie all in a tiny wrapper? (Strikes Scarlett O’Hara pose) “I’ll never be hungry again!” Although, what would happen if you accidentally squish it while it’s in your pocket? Do your jeans suddenly start gushing like your pocket is bulimic? Inquiring minds want to know.