Be glad you are not a Filipino lawyer

Talk about ball-busting job requirements:

Ms. Arroyo’s lawyer, Ferdinand Topacio, vowed on national television Wednesday to slice off one of his own testicles if Ms. Arroyo doesn’t return to face the investigation. “That’s to emphasize that I’m confident, as my client has told me, that they will return,” he said.

Do be careful what you promise to sacrifice…

Kitty piano. EVIL kitty piano.

I am very, very frightened.

And it gets worse, honestly it does:

I think I need a binkie and a hot toddy.

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There oughta be a law!!!!

I was driving home yesterday and closing in on my exit when I notice that the car in front of me was … a wee bit wobbly. It gently swayed from one side of the lane to the next, touching the left and right lane markets with loving and regular attention.

I gave him a fair bit of space, ready at any point to dodge around an accident, then gunned it to pass him and exit the highway. As I did so, I curiously glanced over to see what the hell his problem was. Eating and driving? Cell phone? Map? Hooker giving him road head?

Cell phone? Oh yes. He was holding it to his ear with his right hand and driving with his left hand. Unfortunately, his left and was also holding an EXCEL SPREADSHEET propped against the wheel, which he referenced frequently as he drove.

WTF?!?!

I call for an immediate law banning Excel spreadsheets in cars!

P.S. I happen to think that driving like a stupid d-bag is a bad idea. But I also think that one should ticket the result — swerving in an out of lane lines, driving recklessly, etc. — rather than the cause. Some people can talk on the phone, listen to the radio and check their directions while driving safetly. Some people CAN’T. To ban each myriad little doohickey or action that may or may not cause the driver to behave in an unsafe manner multiplies the stupid laws we have on the books for no reason.

Superhero capes to fight unemployment. My god, Florida is BRILLANT.

SERIOUSLY??????

Dubbed the ‘Cape-A-Bility Challenge,’ it was slated to be part of a public-relations campaign featuring a cartoon character named ‘Dr. Evil Unemployment.’ The capes cost about $14,200 and foam cutouts of ‘Dr. Evil Unemployment’ cost another $2300.

Yesterday there were pictures posing with this doofus-y looking Evil Unemployment dude, but apparently they’ve been pulled. I can’t imagine why.  Also, the original story cited a $73K cost.

Widespread outrage — combined with ridicule, scorn and bafflement, no doubt — has led to killing the campaign.

Obviously, if you can’t fight unemployment by spending government money on satin-y superhero capes for people without jobs, then the terrorists have won.

Are there any Glenn Beck fans out there? Can you explain this to me?

I’ve never been a Glenn Beck fan.  Or a Rush Limbaugh fan.  Or a Sean Hannity fan.  I just don’t listen to Talk Radio.

So perhaps it’s incredibly unfair of me to judge a man, and a show by one clip.  Anyone want to help me out?

This clip was linked by both Ace of Spades and Hot Air yesterday morning:

I watched the whole thing waiting for it to get better.  To get funny.

I wanted to jam a pencil in each eye and drumsticks through my eardrums.

What is WRONG with the high-pitched hysterical laughter guy?  What is UP with the stupid singing?

If I had walked into this cold I’d think this was an SNL skit from the same people who made “I can see Russia from my house!” possibly the most famous line that was never spoken by a politician.

Someone want to enlighten me please???

 

 

What, exactly, are we supposed to take away from this?

You know, when I was younger I was sooooooo trendy and cutting edge and funky.  The older I get, the more I go for a nice v-neck shirt, an A-line skirt and stilettos.  But even in my most tweener years, I don’t think I would have understood this:

A moderately attractive woman with a very toned body is wearing slabs of meat as a fashion statement.  Wha??

P.S. Jay rolled over one million hits today; Breda beat him by six days.  Go wish them both a hearty congrats!

Anxiety dreams

Dear Medulla Oblongata,

Sure, change makes me nervous, and sure, I’ve been thinking about animal shelters lately, but dude — there is no excuse for the bat-sh*t absurdity you just put me through.

I mean, sure, making Mike and me catch our eight foster cats and bring them to the vet is rightfully worrisome.  And tacking on the requirement that my ENTIRE FAMILY go with me was a nice touch.  Oh, and let’s not forget making me late for the appointment by 1) causing me to do my hair and makeup and THEN remember I hadn’t yet showered; 2) making me drop my selected shirt into the stream of water so that I had to pick out another one.  Those were artfully executed as well — stress-causing, but realistic enough that I didn’t know I was dreaming.  Well done!

However, there is no excuse for the weirdness that followed.  Magically increasing the number of cats from eight to about fifteen?  Not cool! Changing the vet’s office to an unholy mix of petting zoo and carnival freak show?  Not crikey, man!  The huge ants that alternately sleep and spit fire out of their arses?  Where in God’s name did you get THOSE from?  We’ll just skip right over the little reptiles with snake bodies and crocodile heads.  It’s better that way.

The grand finale of having the cats driving go-karts around a track, racing against my sprinting younger brothers — well, I refuse to dignify that freak show with any further discussion.

The bottom line is this: I use sleep for rest and escapism.  Dreams that cause me to wake up UTTERLY confused and bewildered are of no use to me.  Kindly remove the nonsensical anxiety + insanity dreams and replace them with nice rainbows and butterflies.

Or perhaps Joscelin Verreuil.

Best regards,
Lissa

P.S. I’ve no idea if the medulla oblongata is the part of the brain that causes dreams, but it’s such a funny-sounding name that I can’t resist using it. More coffee, please!

Have I mentioned how charming I find Helen Thomas to be?

So the Jews should go back where they came from — back to Germany and Poland?  Displacing the Germans and Poles who, during the last SEVENTY YEARS OR SO, have probably occupied any open apartments?  Or will we create certain special designated areas to which we can re-locate those troublesome Jews?

 . . . wracking brain . . . coulda sworn they did that a while ago . . . “ghetto” or something like that . . .

Like diving headfirst into a bucket of spit.

While innocently walking home yesterday, I encountered these idiots on the corner.  They were handing out fliers about the Glass-Steagall Act and — of course — had their mind-blowingly stupid Obama-Hitler signs.

NEWSFLASH: OBAMA IS NOT HITLER, YOU DUMB F***S.  YOU CRAP ON THE MEMORY OF SIX MILLION JEWS (AND HOMOSEXUALS AND GYPSIES AND THE DISABLED, AMONG OTHERS) WHEN YOU SAY THAT HE IS.

I ran by like my ass was on fire — I was afraid of catching cooties.

Or mind herpes.

But then I felt a little bad.  Wouldn’t one of their fliers have made some excellent blog-fodder?  After all, CVS isn’t too far away.  I could have picked up a set of latex gloves.

But, hey, I was almost at the T stop, and I didn’t feel like back-tracking, and — hey look!  A squirrel!

Still.  I had nothing queued up for a post today, and since I was too squeamish to interact with the LaRouche idiots, I decided to surf around his PAC website a little and see what was what.

In summary (no links; you can go play in the slime yourself, if you want more details):

• Did you know the British empire was still running wild?  Yeah, me neither.  But LaRouche knows better than we do:
  ” “This amendment is the most serious threat to the British Empire running loose on this planet today,” LaRouche said May 6. “The bill must be fully supported, without quibble. If you don’t support this, it means you don’t care about civilization.” ”
  I would tell you about the amendment and how much I care about civilization only I’m too busy laughing hysterically in between vomits.
• Obama = Hitler idiocy:
  “No American patriot contemplates the prospect of impeaching the President of the United States lightly. Thus, despite the fact that President Barack Obama has for months been openly proposing and campaigning for a health care policy which is modeled directly on that of the Hitler regime, and which will lead, if implemented, to the kinds of genocidal results for which that regime, and many of its adherents, were condemned for Crimes Against Humanity after World War II, patriot Lyndon LaRouche has refrained up to this time from calling for him to be impeached.”
  Good God on a tap-dancing pony, y’all.  Here I thought we were worried about health care costs and availability and employers dumping their plans and the government meddling in our lives; it turns out we should be worried BECAUSE NOW THAT THERE’S GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE WE’RE GOING TO KILL ALL THE JEWS AND THE ELDERLY AND THE DISABLED.  WTF?!?!?!?!?!
• He’s ready to fix our economy!  Yay!
  “The time has come for the nations of the world to make a dramatic shift in economic policy: away from the fraudulent, or more rightly stated, evil, monetarist system, that currently threatens to plunge our entire civilization into a prolonged, planetary-wide “new dark age”. If we wish to survive, we must reverse the policies of de-industrialization, of killing domestic agriculture, of abandoning essential infrastructure and, most importantly, of the destruction of our NASA-led science programs.”
  That’s right.  In order to avoid a new dark age, NASA must live.  Jeez, he really LOVED that Armageddon movie, huh?  I mean, I’m no Ben Affleck fan, but no matter how many times I have to hear “I don’t wanna miss a thing” I *still* don’t think it’s going to end modern times!  Make me die inside? Yes.  Bring on another dark age? No.
• And as for their “Green Fascism” page — I’m so sorry, y’all, but I just didn’t make it farther than the opening logo:
  

  I laughed so hard that I scared the cat and startled my husband. FEAR THE ZOMBIE PANDA!!!!!!!!

So there you go.  You now know everything you need to know about the douchebags with the Obama-Hitler signs.

You’re welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bathe.

In bleach.