I haven’t laughed this hard since — well, the last time I laughed at pop princesses

I know.  Low-hanging fruit.  I KNOW.  But really, if I don’t do it, who will?  And one hysterical laughing fit per day DOES keep the doctors away.  (Though you should still eat your apples, y’all!)

Anyway.  This is one of those annoying bouncy Katy Perry songs.  I consider them appropriate for workout mixes if they’re catchy, but I’ve despised this one ever since I first saw it scroll across the radio bar.  HOW HARD IS IT TO SPELL “GIRLS”???**

I made it ALMOST to the end, giggling away the whole time, but I gave up at 3:20.  Squirting whipped cream out of double cannisters held to your chest?  SRSLY???  I started choking as I laughed and feared injury.

That’s supposed to be SEXY?  REALLY?  Bouncing around in ice-cream bikinis with very obvious cherries?  I can’t stop laughing, so in a way I’m enjoying myself, but somehow I can’t believe that was the hoped-for reaction.

You want sexy, Katy Perry?  I’ll give you sexy.

She’s a better singer than you AND she sings in French AND she’s wearing actual clothing AND she could KICK YOUR ASS.

Naked except for cloud wisps and a hideous wig? Not sexy.  Ass-kicking?

SEXY!!!!!!!

And oh, Snoop Dogg, what hath become of thee?  You’ve gone from Gin and Juice to being dressed up like a pedophile pimp on a Candyland board??  I’ve got one thing to say to you:

*sigh*  What IS shallow, silly, unimportant pop culture coming to???

 

**The official title of the song is “California Gurls.”  Really.  I have to flip the channel or I have the killer urge to smash my radio.

What, exactly, are we supposed to take away from this?

You know, when I was younger I was sooooooo trendy and cutting edge and funky.  The older I get, the more I go for a nice v-neck shirt, an A-line skirt and stilettos.  But even in my most tweener years, I don’t think I would have understood this:

A moderately attractive woman with a very toned body is wearing slabs of meat as a fashion statement.  Wha??

P.S. Jay rolled over one million hits today; Breda beat him by six days.  Go wish them both a hearty congrats!

ZOMG ITZ A SWITCHBLADE!!!

Seriously, Hollywood?  I don’t expect you to know the first damn thing about guns.  I’m used to it, I accept it, I’ve moved on.  But, honestly, since when does a simple spring assisted opening knife become a standard FBI issue SWITCHBLADE?!?

(What’s sad is that he’s right . . . I bet the Smithsonian *doesn’t* let its workers have those . . . )

I like Covert Affairs, I really do.  Annie Walker is cute and I like her shoes.  Auggie’s a sweetie and definite eye candy.  But when a covert CIA agent fairly brags that she doesn’t carry a gun . . . and has THIS reaction to a pocket knife . . . well . . . next time Agent Walker has a few days off I know this great place she could visit . . .

The funniest thing you’ll see today

I was going to post on this video, and how it made me cry, and how it made me think about why men and women stay in abusive relationships. They say love and hatred are two sides of the same coin.

But then I realized that I didn’t have any answers.  Or any particular insight.

Also, this is a website that’s more about oatmeal cream pies than the sad and painful factors that go into a relationship like that.

So, instead, I’m posting this video.  If you make it to 1:45 without rolling on the floor — well, then, you’re a better person than I 🙂

[You can watch it muted – it’s not like you’re missing anything.  See, this is why children shouldn’t try to be sex symbols before they’re old enough to drink.]

Movie Review: All Saints Day

Short review: Yay! Happy movie!

Longer review: I think you have to be a big Boondock Saints (the first one) fan to love this movie.  Luckily, I am 🙂

It’s got the same quick, clever dialogue and campy relationship between the brothers that I enjoyed in the first movie.  I particularly enjoy the sibling-whapping that regularly ensues, such as the below (language warning!):

(Norman Reedus hasn’t aged particularly well, I must note.)

And while I adore Willem Dafoe, I just love Julie Benz in the FBI ass-kicker role.  If nothing else, I loved this: They dressed her in tight outfits (per usual Hollywood norms) and had her OPEN CARRY.  INSTEAD OF PRETENDING THAT HER SKINTIGHT OUTFIT MAGICALLY HID A LARGE HANDGUN. *cough cough BURN NOTICE cough IN THE LINE OF FIRE cough NCIS cough cough* etc.  HALLELUJAH!

(That’s CLEARLY a stage gun, so no yelling about improper gun handling, m’kay?)

OF COURSE it’s not as good as the first one.  They never are.  But they bring back all my favorite characters, have some really fun scenes and dialogue, and entertained me very well.  That’s all I ask of a sequel.

P.S. WHY, oh WHY, do Hollywood guns go FORWARD when the trigger is squeezed?  It’s against all laws of physics!!!

I am the most awesome chef alive!!!!

I didn’t always think so, of course.  There’s a whole tag of “Domestication FAIL” over there in the sidebar.  I always considered myself a good basic cook who was trying to branch out into becoming a better cook.

But now I know better!  Now I know that I’m simply awesome and amazing and fabulous!

Why?

Because I have never — not even ONCE — cut skirt steak into strips, charred it to a crisp, and then cut bleedin’ FIG NEWTONS into flippers to make it a STEAK TURTLE.

Nor have I ever mixed STRAWBERRY CORNFLAKES with GROUND MEAT to make HAMBURGERS.

OR BOILED VEGETABLES FOR HOURS, BLENDED THEM INTO MUSH AND ADDED FROZEN MEATBALLS AND SLICES OF CHEESE.

Welcome to “Inedible to Incredible“!  It’s basically What Not to Wear for cooks.  Mike and I watched two episodes last night and now I know that I’m the most awesome chef that ever lived.

I’m so proud of myself.

Happy Wednesday, all!

Movie review: 2012

Short version: Some of the special effects were cool; everything else sucked.

Longer version: Good morning, everyone!  How was your weekend?  Ours was great, thanks; I tried two new recipes (seared scallops over angel hair pasta with lemon-white-wine-shallot reduction sauce, and meatloaf), we went to the range to practice our .22 skills, I played with adorable kitties at the shelter and came away scratch-free, and I went to the gym both days.  Yay!

We watched 2012 Saturday night.  We got the Blu-Ray version and we’ve got a big TV; in other words, we gave the movie the best shot it could have outside of a real movie theater.

DUDE.  It SUCKED.

With the exception of Woody Harrelson (crazy backwoods conspiracy theory guy, who’s actually right) and President Danny Glover (guess we’re making a free-trade agreement with Venezuela in two years), the acting and the characters sucked. The willing-suspension-of-belief never happened; I can’t tell you how many times I screamed out, “Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?!?” while Mike hushed me, or made me stop laughing evilly.

Some of the finer points: (SPOILERS!)  (Well, kind of.  The plot was not what you would call unpredictable.)

• Amanda Peet getting groped by her boyfriend (John Cusack’s replacement) in the grocery store, before the aisle rips apart and they scream and struggle not to fall into the massive abyss
• This near-death traumatic OMG-I-saw-the-face-of-death results only in a “please bring the kids home early” conversation.  No hysterics needed!
• John Cusack almost dying because he stopped to let out a triumphant yell-and-fist-pump at locating the correct map.   His trailer slides over the edge of a massive crack in the earth and they all think he’s done for . . . UNTIL A SINGLE HAND DRAMATICALLY APPEARS, followed by A HAND CLUTCHING A MAP, and he pulls himself to safety.  Yay hooray!  (Actually, I was rooting for him to fall down and die.)
• President Chavez-loving Glover getting crushed to death by the aircraft carrier John F. Kennedy.  I’m sure there’s something wonderfully pithy and ironic about this, but I was cackling too hard to identify what it would be.
• The replacement boyfriend getting eaten by massive gears, a la JAWS motif.  I laughed.
• John Cusack and his friends sneaking onto one of the three Arks, meant to safeguard a statistically significant remnant of humanity, but getting a big hose caught in the gears as they do so.  This keeps the door from sealing completely, and THAT keeps the engine from starting.  Because the design has an un-overwriteable fail-safe that won’t let the engine work until there’s a water-tight seal on the hull. Huh?
• After having thus almost doomed a third of humanity to a watery grave, Cusack and his son managed to yank the hose free and the ship narrowly avoids a collision with Mt. Everest.  They’re heroes!  Yay!
• Um, what?  The guy almost killed everyone on the ship but managed to fix it after the ship ate about 2 metric tons of seawater, and now he’s a hero?  Not court-martialed and summarily shot? He already had two kids with the Peet chick, so it’s not like they desperately needed him for the gene pool. (shaking head)
• I haven’t recounted all the scenes of A) cars dodging rifts and fireballs, B) airliners barely taking off ahead of massive cracks in the ground, or C) airliners then barely dodging crumbling buildings.  Trust me – they were all the same, and they all sucked.

If you really have a yen for a disaster movie, go see Armageddon.  At least you’ll get some kickassery from Bruce Willis.

(You can fast-forward through the Affleck scenes.  I won’t tell anyone.)

John Williams and the Pops!

This is how I spent Friday night:

Oh, it was fabulous! For the Close Encounters and the Superman pieces, they lowered a movie screen and played a montage during the music.  It was like being in a movie studio; it was absolutely awesome.

Even if they DID include all the Batmans in the Superman mash-up.

All of them.  Including the one that never happened.

Oh well, we forgive you, John Williams.

P.S. It rained so hard on the way to the T station that we gave up on walking and swam home.

Movie Review: Iron Man 2

Short review: It was fun!

Longer review (no spoilers): It was a cute, entertaining movie.  I think I liked the first one better, but isn’t that usually the case with sequels?  A few points:

• I love Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark.  He does a fabulous job of playing the arrogant genius billionaire who decided to be a hero.  And cheers to his script writers!  I wonder if he has as much fun doing his lines as we do watching them?
• Lines = script.  Not cocaine.  This time.
• More fight scenes please!  If you expect me to shell out money for the Blu-Ray in a couple months then you’ve got to give me incentives.
• Scarlett Johansson is just so very pretty.  Really.  I’m surprised they didn’t do more fight scenes using her character, but I guess that goes along with the “I want more fight scenes!” complaint.  She made Gwyneth Paltrow look washed out and pale.  Which surprises no one.
• Mickey Rourke was awesome. Such a sympathetic badass villain evil guy.  I *loved* the way he played his character.  Awesome!

So, there are things I wished they’d done differently, but it was a fun movie and worth the $8.00 matinee price.

Oh, and if you’re on the fence — you get to see ScarJo unzip to her bra.

If, y’know, that appeals to you. 😉

Happy Monday!

Horrors: Bouncing Breast Test

(Why yes, I *am* Google-baiting, thank you for asking!)

Via Ace, we come across this eye-popping display of Hollywood scumbaggery:

Disney is searching for real treasure chests for its upcoming shoot of the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” swashbuckler — that is, women with natural breasts.

The movie studio has banned actresses with artificial enhancements for the fourth installment, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp as the drunken buccaneer Jack Sparrow.

The filmmakers sent out a casting call last week seeking “beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.”

And they warn that there’ll be a “show and tell” day.

To make sure LA talent scouts don’t get caught in a “booby trap,” potential lassies will have to undergo a Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges. If there’s nothing moving from the waist up, they’re saying, it’s a dead giveaway that you’re not all flesh and bones — and you’re out.

Apparently, the bouncier the better, especially for sword-fighting action sequences, according to the Sunday Times of London.

To which I sputter:  After that mind-numbingly stupid piece of trash called “At World’s End,” they’re making ANOTHER Pirates movie?????

That is all.