A treatise on female toilet etiquette

I imagine that, to male readers, a female public bathroom seems like an oasis of gentility.  Full of delicate, floral scents, with velvet couches and gilt-framed mirrors — not to mention the occasional amorous lesbian couple — most men can only dream of the powder-puff comfort and rich opulence exuded by a Women’s Restroom.

I hate to tell you guys this, but if that’s what you’re picturing then you’ve watched too many bad pornos.

Most women’s bathrooms are just like men’s bathrooms — just subtract the urinals. 

Okay, okay, you can also subtract some of the urine from the floor.  Now we’re all up to speed on accuracy.

But — and herein lies the impetus behind my blog post — you only get to subtract SOME of the pee from the tiles.

Because, you see, there are several methods for female liquid waste expulsion:

1) Wipe the toilet seat with toilet paper and sit down.  You get an occasional spasm of disgust if your butt hits thoroughly-warmed plastic, but nothing worse.

2) Lay down the nice disposable paper toilet-seat-cover and sit down.  Seems like the cleanest method, but if the person before you left some spatters, well, that paper is going to cling to your butt.  Not the most pleasant of feelings, let alone when the pee isn’t yours.

3) Wipe the toilet seat with toilet paper BEFORE using the paper toilet-seat-cover and sit down.  You are assured of a clean and dry sitting surface.  Hooray!  As long as you can square the double-paper-use with Mother Gaia, you’re golden.  (Paging Sherryl Crow . . . )

4) The Toilet Squat: Exercising your hamstrings, quads, and gluts, hover over the toilet seat as you do your business.  No filthy public plastic shalt touch thy nether regions!

And it is with the proponents of Method 4 that I have some serious scatological issues.

You see, at Ye Olde Financial Company we have a Serial Squatter who . . . misses.

Oh come now, Lissa, you say, do you expect a female to have the same sniper accuracy as a male?  She doesn’t have the anatomy for it!

That’s not the effing issue, I reply hotly.  It would be fine if she would just WIPE UP HER ***DAMNED MESS!

And it’s not on the toilet SEAT where she leaves her spatters, oh no.  That would be too easy, too visible, too simple to avoid.  Instead, I walk into the toilet stall and there are droplets of pee dripping down the front of the mother-f***cking toilet.

How bad does your aim need to be to get urine down the FRONT of the toilet?  How can you not freaking NOTICE that you are peeing down the FRONT SURFACE of a public potty and NOT WIPE IT UP???

Thanks to Ms. Serial Squatter, I have adopted the habit of automatically hitching up my skirt as I walk into the stall.  Lest the hem come into contact with the pee droplets hovering at knee height.

One of these days, I’m going to catch her, y’all.  And I’m going to force her to write the following lines exactly 3,560,295 times:

My bodily fluids are not drops of manna from heaven and I will not leave them behind like pearls of wisdom.  And also, I suck and everyone hates me. 

B*tch.

P.S. According to Johnny Virgil, men encounter the same problem:

This can be a recipe for disaster.

Why? Let me tell you. Because this urinal is square in front. This means that the two corners of the urinal are fairly close to your legs. As a result, you’re only one bad pantleg-crease away from inadvertently contacting the stagnant piss pond on that ledge, which will instantly wick into your pants like they were made entirely of Bounty paper towels. At that point you have two choices: (1) Walk around the rest of the day with someone else’s pee staining your pants, or (2) grab a giant handful of wet paper towels and — in an effort to avoid simply tearing off your pants and running outside and rolling around in a snowbank — rub frantically at the pee stains until you make yourself look like you just drained your bladder directly into your Dockers.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Yes, I still get a kick out of toilet humor.  Sue me.

UPDATE: BorePatch linked.  Thanks!

UPDATE: TamLanche!  Thanks!