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A treatise on female toilet etiquette

Posted by Lissa on February 21, 2009

I imagine that, to male readers, a female public bathroom seems like an oasis of gentility.  Full of delicate, floral scents, with velvet couches and gilt-framed mirrors — not to mention the occasional amorous lesbian couple — most men can only dream of the powder-puff comfort and rich opulence exuded by a Women’s Restroom.

I hate to tell you guys this, but if that’s what you’re picturing then you’ve watched too many bad pornos.

Most women’s bathrooms are just like men’s bathrooms — just subtract the urinals. 

Okay, okay, you can also subtract some of the urine from the floor.  Now we’re all up to speed on accuracy.

But — and herein lies the impetus behind my blog post — you only get to subtract SOME of the pee from the tiles.

Because, you see, there are several methods for female liquid waste expulsion:

1) Wipe the toilet seat with toilet paper and sit down.  You get an occasional spasm of disgust if your butt hits thoroughly-warmed plastic, but nothing worse.

2) Lay down the nice disposable paper toilet-seat-cover and sit down.  Seems like the cleanest method, but if the person before you left some spatters, well, that paper is going to cling to your butt.  Not the most pleasant of feelings, let alone when the pee isn’t yours.

3) Wipe the toilet seat with toilet paper BEFORE using the paper toilet-seat-cover and sit down.  You are assured of a clean and dry sitting surface.  Hooray!  As long as you can square the double-paper-use with Mother Gaia, you’re golden.  (Paging Sherryl Crow . . . )

4) The Toilet Squat: Exercising your hamstrings, quads, and gluts, hover over the toilet seat as you do your business.  No filthy public plastic shalt touch thy nether regions!

And it is with the proponents of Method 4 that I have some serious scatological issues.

You see, at Ye Olde Financial Company we have a Serial Squatter who . . . misses.

Oh come now, Lissa, you say, do you expect a female to have the same sniper accuracy as a male?  She doesn’t have the anatomy for it!

That’s not the effing issue, I reply hotly.  It would be fine if she would just WIPE UP HER ***DAMNED MESS!

And it’s not on the toilet SEAT where she leaves her spatters, oh no.  That would be too easy, too visible, too simple to avoid.  Instead, I walk into the toilet stall and there are droplets of pee dripping down the front of the mother-f***cking toilet.

How bad does your aim need to be to get urine down the FRONT of the toilet?  How can you not freaking NOTICE that you are peeing down the FRONT SURFACE of a public potty and NOT WIPE IT UP???

Thanks to Ms. Serial Squatter, I have adopted the habit of automatically hitching up my skirt as I walk into the stall.  Lest the hem come into contact with the pee droplets hovering at knee height.

One of these days, I’m going to catch her, y’all.  And I’m going to force her to write the following lines exactly 3,560,295 times:

My bodily fluids are not drops of manna from heaven and I will not leave them behind like pearls of wisdom.  And also, I suck and everyone hates me. 

B*tch.

P.S. According to Johnny Virgil, men encounter the same problem:

This can be a recipe for disaster.

Why? Let me tell you. Because this urinal is square in front. This means that the two corners of the urinal are fairly close to your legs. As a result, you’re only one bad pantleg-crease away from inadvertently contacting the stagnant piss pond on that ledge, which will instantly wick into your pants like they were made entirely of Bounty paper towels. At that point you have two choices: (1) Walk around the rest of the day with someone else’s pee staining your pants, or (2) grab a giant handful of wet paper towels and — in an effort to avoid simply tearing off your pants and running outside and rolling around in a snowbank — rub frantically at the pee stains until you make yourself look like you just drained your bladder directly into your Dockers.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Yes, I still get a kick out of toilet humor.  Sue me.

UPDATE: BorePatch linked.  Thanks!

UPDATE: TamLanche!  Thanks!

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14 Responses to “A treatise on female toilet etiquette”

  1. jon spencer said

    Whenever I have to do work in the women bathroom’s I do one thing before I leave,
    I put the seats up.

  2. mts said

    Now, when the men’s room is full, or there was a line, and the women’s is empty, I have no qualm about using that room. And I’ve seen my good share of women’s bathrooms complete with a vinyl sitting bench, if not an outright baby couch, and complete toiletry station instead of just a sink. Some look like a darn smoking lounge, just lacking a t.v. and liquor cabinet. When one of my buds goes away to do business, the last thing I do is go with him to chat. But women congregate in the bathroom while one of their number makes stinky. I’ll never get it.

  3. Anyone who has ever had to clean both mens and womens restrooms in lower class areas knows, the womens get FAR filthier.

  4. Angus Lincoln said

    Years ago, after a few months of disgusting bathroom shenanigans, I created 10 commandments of bathroom etiquette and posted it behind the toilet. It was humorous to say the least and to this day they’re still getting laughs. I usually don’t go to such lengths to tell folks how to behave, but things were getting out of hand.

    [And you're not going to post this list for us? How cruel!! -- Lissa]

  5. Knot said

    I second Chris Byrne’s comment, from working second job as janitor when younger. Although, HP *DID* have couches and daybeds in the womens rooms.

    Question: Why did the old fashioned mens urinals that were embedded in the tile floor go away?

    I liked them more than the modern wall mount ovals. They all drain into the floor when clogged, so I don’t see that mattering much.

  6. Timberline said

    Had a guy in our office, always sprayed the surroundings…I posted this on the wall:

    If you don’t have enough to grab onto and aim,
    Don’t advertise your shortage, for its a shame!
    Clean up your mess,
    You won’t need to confess,
    to spraying the seat, the floor and your feet!

    He tore it down first day, but started wiping up after himself as well!

  7. Give ‘er hell, Lissa. Make her take one for her team when you catch her. Alas, I’ve often marveled that some women must have been fitted with broadcast spray fixtures.
    Lawks!

  8. David said

    I stopped to use the bathroom at the turn of our golf course one time. My partner beat me into the men’s side so I walked around and used the women’s side. It was exactly like the men’s side right down to the urinal hanging on the wall. Except that there was a skanky old bunch of plastic flowers in a vase sitting on top of the urinal.

    I had a lot of dreams shattered that day. I also suspect that was the first time in a long time that spotlessly clean urinal had been used.

  9. Angus Lincoln said

    Okay Lissa, I just got home from work tonight and It turns out to be only 5 real rules of thumb.(I apologize in advance for the level of crudeness here, but I deal with a motley bunch.)

    #1. Respect those that will follow!

    #2 This toilet cannot digest “driftwood”,”tampoons”, or anything larger than a small prarie dog.

    #3 If you have anything bigger, make a 2 stage deposit- Flush Twice! Please!

    #4 Your Momma can’t hear you when you’re done – you are on your own.
    This means you need to take care of your own.

    #5 It is in bad taste to leave your Shitbomb for others to deal with so for the love of God, deal with it yourself.

    Heaven help the poor son of a bitch who gets caught ignoring these rules.

  10. Random Reader said

    “We aim to please.
    You aim too, please.”

  11. Hey Lissa, thanks for the shout out!

  12. Ted said

    Abby has a similar experience in Iraq:

    http://baddogsandsuch.blogspot.com/2009/02/good-lord.html

  13. Brad K. said

    Wow. Thanks for the tip on looking for urinal images. Did you notice the “Urinal art” suggested search topic?

    Ladies gawking
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/19746416@N00/821365034/

    A clown
    http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-08/clown-urinal.jpg

    A shark
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_KhcjrCVqL00/Rquu-Qru5TI/AAAAAAAAAEw/-4jtXN2qlNY/s320/1a1ao.jpg

    A flower (“Pink and green orchid”)
    http://www.nextnature.net/research/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/pink-n-green-orchid-530.jpg

    Gwen at Sociological Images has done a montage
    http://contexts.org/socimages/2008/04/21/more-urinals/

    The story I heard was that a design team of women came up with this one for a customer
    http://www.coolhunting.com/images/sofitel-urinals.jpg

    Me? I just get to check bathrooms every 20 minutes at the local theater. The decor is much simpler, that 1950′s green tile.

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