Manifesto of a n00b parent
Posted by Lissa on June 6, 2012
Since this is our first kid, I’m going to pretend I didn’t grow up with baby brothers and don’t read Stuff My Kids Ruined and hereby declare…
MY CHILD will never throw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.
MY CHILD will never tell adult relatives that they look fat or otherwise unkempt.
MY CHILD will NEVER finger-paint using excrements from his own body.
MY CHILD will never find the Sharpie that I’ve put under lock and key and proceed to decorate the off-white suede Lazyboy, the doors, or himself.
MY CHILD will never manage to find an unattended pile of dog droppings and treat it like Play-doh.
MY CHILD will nicely eat everything I put in front of him, including vegetables.
MY CHILD will never throw a delicate object to the floor just because it makes a pretty sound when it smashes.
MY CHILD will never find a pair of scissors and try to trim the cat, his own hair, or Mommy’s hair during a nap.
MY CHILD will never throw up during a long car trip, an airplane flight or any other inconvenient time/place. Or on me or his father.
MY CHILD will listen and remember to every sage piece of advice I give him while conveniently forgetting any and all curse words that slip out around him.
MY CHILD will never have gas JUST as I’m changing his diaper such that the walls, um, *get decorated*.
MY CHILD will never wait until Mommy has just sat down, started eating, or gone to sleep to throw an epic fit.
MY CHILD will never decide that insects and spiders look like wonderful things to put into his mouth.
MY CHILD will never make such an awe-inspiring mess that, just for a second, I consider moving rather than cleaning it up.
And finally . . . MY CHILD will never make my heart ache with so much love and pain that I’m amazed such a tiny being can affect my entire soul. ….. Actually, I’m pretty sure that is an “always”, not a “never”
While I’m making the list, what other things do you think MY CHILD will never or always do?