Escape your life for a little while — come play in mine.

Manifesto of a n00b parent

Posted by Lissa on June 6, 2012

Since this is our first kid, I’m going to pretend I didn’t grow up with baby brothers and don’t read Stuff My Kids Ruined and hereby declare…

MY CHILD will never throw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

MY CHILD will never tell adult relatives that they look fat or otherwise unkempt.

MY CHILD will NEVER finger-paint using excrements from his own body.

MY CHILD will never find the Sharpie that I’ve put under lock and key and proceed to decorate the off-white suede Lazyboy, the doors, or himself.

MY CHILD will never manage to find an unattended pile of dog droppings and treat it like Play-doh.

MY CHILD will nicely eat everything I put in front of him, including vegetables.

MY CHILD will never throw a delicate object to the floor just because it makes a pretty sound when it smashes.

MY CHILD will never find a pair of scissors and try to trim the cat, his own hair, or Mommy’s hair during a nap.

MY CHILD will never throw up during a long car trip, an airplane flight or any other inconvenient time/place. Or on me or his father.

MY CHILD will listen and remember to every sage piece of advice I give him while conveniently forgetting any and all curse words that slip out around him.

MY CHILD will never have gas JUST as I’m changing his diaper such that the walls, um, *get decorated*.

MY CHILD will never wait until Mommy has just sat down, started eating, or gone to sleep to throw an epic fit.

MY CHILD will never decide that insects and spiders look like wonderful things to put into his mouth.

MY CHILD will never make such an awe-inspiring mess that, just for a second, I consider moving rather than cleaning it up.

And finally . . . MY CHILD will never make my heart ache with so much love and pain that I’m amazed such a tiny being can affect my entire soul. ….. Actually, I’m pretty sure that is an “always”, not a “never” 🙂

While I’m making the list, what other things do you think MY CHILD will never or always do?


6 Responses to “Manifesto of a n00b parent”

  1. Yes. Yes, he will. All of those things. Some of them repeatedly. It’s in his contract.

  2. Amy said

    Hello? The dream is now over and it’s time to wake up. 🙂

    Your cute little adorable bundle of joy will not only do all of those things but several that you’ve never dreamed of.

  3. momiss said

    I got one, “stick his fingers up my nose or try to pry my eyes open when we are laying down to take a nap but I’m the only one asleep.” LOL

  4. David, Chandler, AZ said

    LOLOL. New parents are so cute.

  5. guffaw1952 said

    Your manifesto should be to teach him love and respect. Both for his parents, and himself. The other stuff will be transitory. Hug him EVERY DAY, and tell him you love him. AND mean it.
    Because you never know.
    I do…

  6. @David in #4 : My thoughts exactly!

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