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How High Heels Caused The Decline of Western Civilization

Posted by Lissa on June 9, 2011

Once upon a time all humans went barefoot. We gathered and hunted, drank pure water and breathed clean air, and lived happily ever after.

Oh, and there were unicorns.

It all changed with the arrival of designer footwear.

Suddenly women were encouraged to strap little poles onto their feet. Gone was the natural equilibrium and balance for which we were designed. Physical agility was banished in favor of looking two to four inches taller.

And what, pray tell, has been the result??

CULTIVATION OF FEMALE HELPLESSNESS. No longer able to kill our own bears and drag them back to our kitchens, women began depending on men to provide sustenance.

DEMONIZATION OF MEN. Learned female helplessness was quickly followed by resentment of those were were NOT helpless, I.e., those who were not tottering about with sticks on their soles. Also, men’s shoes were a lot more comfy. Those bastards!

And finally, and worst of all — Stilettos –> Stilts –> CIRCUS CLOWNS. EVIL, EVIL CIRCUS CLOWNS.

The snake in the garden of Eden gave Eve a pair of snakeskin pumps, by the way. Then she used them to kill unicorns.

Yup, there’s pretty much no evil on the face of the earth that doesn’t stem from women’s high-heeled shoes.

….. Why no, I’m not BitterHateRage-y over going to New York City, Land of Fashion and Beauty, and being forced by my sesamoiditis to wear Croc flats the whole time. Why do you ask? 🙂

UPDATE: Jay G is amused. Thanks!

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11 Responses to “How High Heels Caused The Decline of Western Civilization”

  1. Jay G. said

    This is quite possibly the funniest footwear related post I have ever read.

    Signed, He-who-does-not-wear-stilts-on-his-feet…

  2. ordnancecorner said

    Not trying to pick a fight or anything but the wear of high-heeled shoes was originally something done only by men (during the Renaissance if I remember correctly).

    Not our fault the ladies wanted in on the fashionable footwear gig.

    I wear cowboy boots myself.

    Cheers!

  3. Borepatch said

    +1 JayG.

    All I would add is that now that you are (so exceptionally) well married, you can wear whatever you want on your feet …

    😉

  4. Brad K. said

    As I recall, Paul Harvey related that the introduction of high heels was when a timid and plain Italian princess, age 14 or so, was being sold/married to the King of France. When she entered the room wearing said heels, her posture was different, her pelvis and back arched differently, her chest was lifted (this was before the separated part the aerodynamic engineer designed for Hollywood use). Her appearance was transformed, and the King bought/married the hapless girl. Thus, the promoter looking for a tie-in with France won a strategic victory with the introduction of high heels for women.

    The girl would have been marketed somewhere, anyway, and one oldster was about as unappealing as another, so she didn’t actually lose anything from her sponsor’s success. Maybe they were happy when the shoes came off, but, really, it wasn’t until the Renaissance that the concept of romantic/courtly love came into being. As recent as 40 years ago, the prevalent form of marriage was by arrangement by the parents.

    It is pole dancing that “sets the stage” for what social cache high heels carry, for me. I am not talking about the pole dancing class a the YMCA, OK? And makeup? Makeup tags a lass as a Victoria’s Secret wannabe, with attendant high maintenance expectations and view of the world. I don’t claim everyone looks better nekkid, but the very best people come across the same nekkid as they do clothed and dolled up.

    Umm, I don’t wear high heels, though some harness boots I wore in High School had 1 1/4 inch heels.

  5. Brad_in_MA said

    Lissa,
    That was great. I can only imagine the post/rant you could put together about the how the LBD (LIttle Black Dress) brought about the decline of modern Western Civilization.

    Well done.

    – Brad

  6. jetaz said

    Brad K. am I correct in understanding you to be saying that in 1970 the prevalent form of marriage was by arrangement by the parents?

  7. Dave said

    Embrace the Crocs, their better for your feet and back anyway. Get BitterHateRage-y over the fact that you can’t carry while in NYC. At least your feet will be safe..

  8. Jennifer said

    You can have my stilettos when you pry them off my cold dead and yet still fabulous feet!
    And this from a flat footed Filipina! Besides, a properly wielded stiletto could serve as a nice defensive tool. There is a reason the shoes share their name with a particular blade.

  9. […] Bloooooooooooooooog War!!!!!!! […]

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