Posted by Lissa on October 21, 2010
Well, okay, that title is a bit misleading, since we killed the f***er. How about
“Things I’ve Learned as a Home Owner #6: Sometimes horrible creatures will invade your house and you will have to do battle.”
It’s eleven o’clock at night. I’m making the nightly round, checking the locks and doors, and I reach for the sawed-off broomstick that wedges the sliding patio door. As I sweep back the curtain and reach down, I notice A SPIDER THE SIZE OF A F***ING CADILLAC SITTING ON THE INSIDE OF OUR GLASS DOOR.
My gasp leads Mike to call out worriedly, “What’s wrong?”
“MIKE OMIGOD THERE’S A HUGE HUGE F***ING SPIDER ON THE DOOR OMIGOD IT’S HUGE!!!!”
(Seriously. I cannot emphasize enough the SIZE of this monster. To a girl raised in the Northeast, it looked big enough to swallow Rajah whole and then chase small children. It was horrifying.)
Question: What caliber for gigantic terrifying spider?
Answer: STING. But Bilbo hadn’t given me one.
Here is the chain of events, as I can most properly recall it:
ITEM: Lissa and Mike go running for rubber gloves, shoes, 409, RAID, and magazines. Lissa curses herself for not having a stainless steel flyswatter. Considers sacrificing her favorite kitchen spatula, which would of course have to be bleached, doused with flammable liquid, and burnt.
ITEM: MIKE: “Um, I have bad news. The spider’s gone.”
LISSA: “AUUUGGGHHHH!! FIND IT FIND IT FIND IT KIIIIILLLLLL IIIIIIITTTT!!!”
ITEM: We discover that the spider has retreated to higher ground. It is now lurking in the corner of our box-like curtain header, perhaps ten feet off the ground.
ITEM: In the process of re-locating the beast and in the interest of preventing future hiding places, we rip down the curtains themselves. They were getting in our way, they were ugly and I never liked them anyway. I immediately fling them onto the back porch, lest they be hiding a million renegade spiders between their layers.
ITEM: Using an light bulb changer extension pole, we attempt to squash the spider. It thumbs its nose at us and climbs higher still.
ITEM: Mike fiercely wields the sawed-off broomstick. The monster judges discretion to be the better part of valor and makes a run across the wall.
ITEM: Mike SLAMS the scurrying bastard with a back-handed broomstick. Two legs fly off and the fiend drops to the floor.
ITEM: Lissa flies across the field of battle and douses the fallen corpse with copious amounts of 409. Just in case.
ITEM: Lissa photographs the vanquished enemy. Pix will appear below the fold for the benefit of the arachnophobic.
ITEM: Mike notices that he has dented the wall/dinked the paint where he slammed the broomstick. Then realizes that it’s just a big blog of spider guts.
ITEM: Lissa gingerly uses a pair of disposable chopsticks to pick up the corpse and place it in a plastic container with a tight lid. She also picks up the two legs that flew some three feet from the body. She douses the entire battlefield with 409 and scrubs compulsively.
ITEM: Lissa and Mike pour drinks for themselves. Lissa drinks her Glenlivet with shaking hands.
And now: The Vanquished Foe!
You can click to embiggen, but why in God’s name would you want to?
CODA: The pest prevention people confirmed that it was a wolf spider (thus, the post title). Apparently there are 2000 varieties of these horrible creatures living in Florida. They’re not venomous, and therefore not dangerous, which is a mercy. Because I had spider nightmares all that night.
CODA II: Yes, I realize that this incident disqualifies me from ever living in Texas, Latin America, South America and many other places. I accept that.