Movie review: 2012
Posted by Lissa on May 24, 2010
Short version: Some of the special effects were cool; everything else sucked.
Longer version: Good morning, everyone! How was your weekend? Ours was great, thanks; I tried two new recipes (seared scallops over angel hair pasta with lemon-white-wine-shallot reduction sauce, and meatloaf), we went to the range to practice our .22 skills, I played with adorable kitties at the shelter and came away scratch-free, and I went to the gym both days. Yay!
We watched 2012 Saturday night. We got the Blu-Ray version and we’ve got a big TV; in other words, we gave the movie the best shot it could have outside of a real movie theater.
DUDE. It SUCKED.
With the exception of Woody Harrelson (crazy backwoods conspiracy theory guy, who’s actually right) and President Danny Glover (guess we’re making a free-trade agreement with Venezuela in two years), the acting and the characters sucked. The willing-suspension-of-belief never happened; I can’t tell you how many times I screamed out, “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?” while Mike hushed me, or made me stop laughing evilly.
Some of the finer points: (SPOILERS!) (Well, kind of. The plot was not what you would call unpredictable.)
- Amanda Peet getting groped by her boyfriend (John Cusack’s replacement) in the grocery store, before the aisle rips apart and they scream and struggle not to fall into the massive abyss
- This near-death traumatic OMG-I-saw-the-face-of-death results only in a “please bring the kids home early” conversation. No hysterics needed!
- John Cusack almost dying because he stopped to let out a triumphant yell-and-fist-pump at locating the correct map. His trailer slides over the edge of a massive crack in the earth and they all think he’s done for . . . UNTIL A SINGLE HAND DRAMATICALLY APPEARS, followed by A HAND CLUTCHING A MAP, and he pulls himself to safety. Yay hooray! (Actually, I was rooting for him to fall down and die.)
- President Chavez-loving Glover getting crushed to death by the aircraft carrier John F. Kennedy. I’m sure there’s something wonderfully pithy and ironic about this, but I was cackling too hard to identify what it would be.
- The replacement boyfriend getting eaten by massive gears, a la JAWS motif. I laughed.
- John Cusack and his friends sneaking onto one of the three Arks, meant to safeguard a statistically significant remnant of humanity, but getting a big hose caught in the gears as they do so. This keeps the door from sealing completely, and THAT keeps the engine from starting. Because the design has an un-overwriteable fail-safe that won’t let the engine work until there’s a water-tight seal on the hull. Huh?
- After having thus almost doomed a third of humanity to a watery grave, Cusack and his son managed to yank the hose free and the ship narrowly avoids a collision with Mt. Everest. They’re heroes! Yay!
- Um, what? The guy almost killed everyone on the ship but managed to fix it after the ship ate about 2 metric tons of seawater, and now he’s a hero? Not court-martialed and summarily shot? He already had two kids with the Peet chick, so it’s not like they desperately needed him for the gene pool. (shaking head)
- I haven’t recounted all the scenes of A) cars dodging rifts and fireballs, B) airliners barely taking off ahead of massive cracks in the ground, or C) airliners then barely dodging crumbling buildings. Trust me – they were all the same, and they all sucked.
If you really have a yen for a disaster movie, go see Armageddon. At least you’ll get some kickassery from Bruce Willis.
(You can fast-forward through the Affleck scenes. I won’t tell anyone.)