Escape your life for a little while — come play in mine.

I can’t believe this qualifies as food

Posted by Lissa on July 27, 2009

The weight-loss section of Shaw’s is located across the aisle from body wash.  I think they may have misplaced this item, because damn sure I’d rather rub it on my feet than put this in my mouth:


That’s right, it’s Calorie-Free Whipped Peanut Spread!  Doesn’t that sound just delicious?  Let’s take a gander at the ingredients!


Water, cellulose gum, salt, cornstarch, xanthum gum.  Mmmmm.

When speaking of his favorite foods, my father likes to say, “If you put a piece on top of your head, your tongue would beat your brain to death trying to get it.”

I’m fairly sure my tongue ripped itself free from its moorings, picked up its skirts and dashed down the street screaming in horror.

And you know, I can’t really blame it.  Self-preservation, y’all.

(I’m not a fan of mayo so the no-cal version on the left doesn’t bother me; YMMV.)

UPDATE: Mike:  “So basically, it’s terrible, but it would still kill someone with peanut allergies.  That is its only purpose.”

5 Responses to “I can’t believe this qualifies as food”

  1. hsoi said

    That’s just…. wow… words escape me.

    You can’t get more chemically engineered than that.

  2. secretlivesofscientists said

    Yeah, so basically, it’s made from stuff that doesn’t yield any calories when digested. In other words, the human body has no way of breaking it down and processing it via the metabolic pathways. Ick.

  3. Brad K. said

    Would this have the same biological consequences as fake fats – anal leakage – or be more likely to cause cramps and constipation. Maybe both! Ooh! The anticipation!

    Except, I don’t think I am that curious. It is instructive, though, that the store put this across from the body wash. Almost like Monty Python. If you were to notice the peanut-flavored- water-mud and needed to look away to Something Completely Different, why I guess body wash seems like just the diversion a distraught mind could appreciate. It is almost poetic!

    . . . Did you try it with cheese and crackers? With strawberry preserves?

  4. TOTWTYTR said

    Mrs. TOTWTYTR eats this stuff called “Better than Cream Cheese”. She got me to try it once, and let me tell you that name and one taste and you have have a hands down winner for false advertising. The real name should be “Tastes like that paste you used in elementary school, only not quite as good.”

    Most of these no fat, no this, no that, foods should also include “No flavor” on the label.

  5. […] What foods do you dislike? Anything that stares back at me. Things that aren’t food but pretend to be. […]

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