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Movie Review: Watchmen

Posted by Lissa on March 8, 2009

Short review:  It sucked.  I want three hours of my life back.

Longer review:  Well, let’s start off with Mike’s warning when I told him there was a movie review coming:

MIKE: Okay, but don’t give away the plot!

LISSA: There was a plot?!?

Let’s run down the checklist, shall we?

  • The most awkward, embarrassing sex scene I’ve ever witnessed.  And I watched A History of Violence, so that’s saying something. 
  • The above was followed not long afterwards by the most stupid, ridiculous sex scene I’ve ever witnessed.  I think it was supposed to be romantic or sensual or something, but the whole theater was laughing.  You would think it would be difficult to kill any and all libido a sane male (or female) might have on seeing Carla Gugino Malin Akerman topless.  This director must be a genius.  AN EVIL GENIUS. 
  • Three different, separate scenes of such gratuitous violence that I could not watch.  I covered my eyes.  Would you like to know some of my more favorite movies?  Sin CityKill Bill I and IIDesperado and Once Upon a Time in Mexico.  In general I do not mind what my mother calls “the ketchup factor.”  I could not watch parts of the movie I saw tonight.
  • Disconnected shards of character background, presented as if somehow one could shake the cinematic kaleidoscope and cause a pattern to emerge.  (In some circles this pattern would be known as a “plot”.)  Nothing was shakin’, y’all.
  • Poor Carla Gugino way slimmed down from her Sin City days, Malin Akerman (see update) shoved into an unflattering costume and with such annoying hair that I wanted to drug her and introduce her to a Flowbee.  (She can manage a super-tight latex outfit, a superhero identity and go flying in a huge robot-toy, but she can’t manage to locate a freakin’ HAIR TIE???)
  • Last, but SURELY not least — seriously gratuitous CGI penis.  Repeatedly.

In summary:

If you’re going to see Watchmen for the plot . . . don’t.

If you’re going for the characters . . . REALLY don’t.

If you’re going for the super-cool special effects . . . find a friend with a large TV and a Blu-Ray player and get yourself Ratatouille from Netflix.  Watch the scene where the rat gets washed down the sewer; you’ll save yourself $8.00 and roughly 2 hours, 40 minutes of horrific awfulness.

You’re welcome.

P.S.  On the other hand, I cannot WAIT for the upcoming Wolverine movie.  Lissa want.  Lissa like.

UPDATE: Mike pointed out that I had the wrong character for Carla Gugino.  That makes me marginally less sad.  But the movie still SUCKED.

3 Responses to “Movie Review: Watchmen”

  1. Oh NO! I gots to disagree, but mayhapse we can discuss more at Hilltop?

  2. coffee said

    I loved they way they bridged different generations throughout the movie, both with props (like the floppy discs) and with music

  3. […] Watchmen, by Alan Moore (I saw the wretched awful terrible movie, but that doesn’t […]

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