Escape your life for a little while — come play in mine.


Posted by Lissa on January 8, 2009

I mean, dear holy sweet cucumber god on a piece of mayonnaise-smeared toast.  I’ve posted on ugly cakes before, I know, but . . . DAMN. 

Mike and I are looking at cake shops to provide us with a wedding cake.  One of the more reputable cake shops in area surrounding Lissaville (Home of the Evil Conservatives) seemed like a lovely place, so I started looking through their web site.

Why??  Why, why, why, why????  (Logos are withheld to protect the not-so-innocent.)

This first case is a cake with delusions of grandeur.  This is the kind of cake that was a beauty queen twenty-five years ago, and made her daughter enter the same contest, and on bad nights drinks vodka and prances around with her old sash and tiara crying, “I’m a winner!  I’m a winner!”



I suppose, then, our next cake has accidentally ingested her sash after that second bottle and the poor thing is now spilling flowers out of her innards.  And also the crown of her head.



Oh c’mon, Lissa, you say, they’re not all that bad.  The flowers are kind of pretty.

Oh yeah?? say I.  And what kind of excuse do you have for this??  That the groomsmen has some, er, EGO problems?




Well, as long as we’re going to the seashore, I suppose we might as well go the whole hog.  If Prince Humperdink ever DID fight to The Pain, and then [was] dumped in a sparkly grotto, this is what he would look like:




Last AND least, let us examine this charming confection.  When trying to come up with a humorous description I mentally drafted a phrase about female body parts and nasty infections, but since this is post-dinner I’ll use Jenny’s phrase: Oh my god this is SO BABES IN TOYLAND!



And there you have it, folks.  Someone decided that these cakes looked good.  Some other people agreed with them and had these cakes AT THEIR WEDDINGS.  Then some OTHER people decided these cakes looked good enough to be showpieces on the website.

The world is most definitely doomed.



  1. Ted said

    How about this one?



  2. Ted said

    Or this one.


  3. Oh.My.God. Those flowers. How much do you think those cake-flower arrangements cost? The fact that some – probably several – people will actually buy those cakes is hilarious!!!

    I’ve been to 3 weddings in the past 6 years, and my favorite wedding “cake” was not actually a cake at all, but a ton of cupcakes on three tiered round platters. It was uber cute and tastey, plus we had the option of chocolate or vanilla.

  4. Brad K. said

    Lissa, Wouldn’t those folks be ecstatic, if I wanted a cranberry and crabapple with mint leaves confection?

    • Lissa said

      Shoothouse Barbie, make sure you check the “Wrecktastic” link then. Poor, poor Curious George!

      Brad, I have no doubt but that they would be ecstatic. Of course, they’d have to mound it with holly berries, skunk cabbage and other fru-fru to achieve the proper level of horror, but I bet they’d manage!

  5. Elizabeth said

    Oh man, there are some atrocious cakes out there! I remember giggling over many when I was shopping for a cake-maker.

    We ended up choosing Jeanne over at http://www.jtcakes.com who did an amazing job on a cake a lot like this, but with more than just sugared grapes for garnish. http://www.jtcakes.com/gallery_details.asp?id=114

  6. cynthia said

    hey ugly cake 3 is so ugly but all of these other cakes are so pretty you guys are crazy ok the first cake was so pretty so BACK THE FREAKE OFFFFFFFFFFF byebye

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