MOTHER OF GOD, UGLY CAKE ALERT
Posted by Lissa on January 8, 2009
I mean, dear holy sweet cucumber god on a piece of mayonnaise-smeared toast. I’ve posted on ugly cakes before, I know, but . . . DAMN.
Mike and I are looking at cake shops to provide us with a wedding cake. One of the more reputable cake shops in area surrounding Lissaville (Home of the Evil Conservatives) seemed like a lovely place, so I started looking through their web site.
Why?? Why, why, why, why???? (Logos are withheld to protect the not-so-innocent.)
This first case is a cake with delusions of grandeur. This is the kind of cake that was a beauty queen twenty-five years ago, and made her daughter enter the same contest, and on bad nights drinks vodka and prances around with her old sash and tiara crying, “I’m a winner! I’m a winner!”
I suppose, then, our next cake has accidentally ingested her sash after that second bottle and the poor thing is now spilling flowers out of her innards. And also the crown of her head.
Oh c’mon, Lissa, you say, they’re not all that bad. The flowers are kind of pretty.
Oh yeah?? say I. And what kind of excuse do you have for this?? That the groomsmen has some, er, EGO problems?
Well, as long as we’re going to the seashore, I suppose we might as well go the whole hog. If Prince Humperdink ever DID fight to The Pain, and then [was] dumped in a sparkly grotto, this is what he would look like:
Last AND least, let us examine this charming confection. When trying to come up with a humorous description I mentally drafted a phrase about female body parts and nasty infections, but since this is post-dinner I’ll use Jenny’s phrase: Oh my god this is SO BABES IN TOYLAND!
And there you have it, folks. Someone decided that these cakes looked good. Some other people agreed with them and had these cakes AT THEIR WEDDINGS. Then some OTHER people decided these cakes looked good enough to be showpieces on the website.
The world is most definitely doomed.