Escape your life for a little while — come play in mine.

Plus, I’ll bet he could kick Harry Potter’s pasty little butt

Posted by Lissa on November 26, 2008

Via The Corner, it turns out that the new teeny-bopper fetish — that o-so-studly (gag) teenage (vegetarian!) vampire — has some pretty old-fashioned manly attributes that the teeny-boppers adore:

Apparently, the perfect guy should:
be too much of a gentleman;
be really smart;
smell extraordinarily nice;
have eyes only for you even if he is surrounded by hot girls;
quote Shakespeare;
stand in front of you in a protective way when you are in danger;
give you his jacket when you are cold;
have morals;
love you for what you are inside, not for how you look;
be charming;
sparkle in the sunlight;
have a nice family;
always pay for everything;
have been pretty much single since 1901;
hold your face while he kisses you

And just think how much they’ll SQUEE when they find out you can have all that — and from a guy who doesn’t drink blood!!  (Well, they can have most of it, anyway; I tend to think poorly of women who expect men to pay for everything, men who sparkle in the sunlight usually have an offputting addiction to body glitter, and if he hasn’t dated since 1901 . . . well, the times they are a-changing, y’know?)

And the funniest part?  An old-fashioned gentleman who had all of those attributes listed above but DIDN’T happen to be a blood-drinker of a different species would probably be labeled as an old-fashioned, out-of-touch fogey by those girlies.  Truly, it is to laugh.

(P.S. The article refers you to the actual site with “50 Edward Cullen Characteristics That Every Guy Should Have” and I know I should have sifted through there for my list, but DUDE — they lost me at “10. Have an extended an [sic] sophisticated vocabulary”, “14. Suddenly appear out of nowhere and kiss you passionatley [sic]” and “20. Quote Romeo ( Shakespear ) [sic].”  Oh HELL to the NO.  This job doesn’t pay enough for mental torture like that.)

4 Responses to “Plus, I’ll bet he could kick Harry Potter’s pasty little butt”

  1. sandysays1 said

    Goodness. My human says all life is a cycle so never throw old clothes away. What’s next, remakes of “Leave it to beaver?” Visit me at http://www.SandySays1.wordpress.com

  2. Ted said

    Careful, Lissa. I think that the definition of “Old Fogey” is when you start criticizing the many failings of the younguns…


    Now me – I am an old fogey. The only reason I sparkle in the sunlight is the shiny top of my head.

    Oh, and Sandy? I watched Leave it to Beaver, first time around. It’s the only time I remember a TV character named “Theodore” …

  3. Lissa said

    Well hell, Ted, apparently I’ve been an old fogey since I was seven.

    . . . that would be when Lil’ Bro 1 was born 🙂

  4. Brad K said


    I read about that ‘hold the face when you kiss’ thing. In a book. By Dr. Joyce Brothers. She called it “the most exquisite caress”. I forget the name of the book, but I was attached to the precommissioning unit for the USS South Carolina, CGN-37, at the time, so that would have been about 1974.

    Now if only someone would clue the teeny-boppers in that they need to find someone that is honest, honorable, respectful, has good emotional bonds to family as well as friends, and is good with animals and children (i.e., the animals and children are *better* for knowing him). Interest and aptitude in a useful craft or career would be helpful.

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