lookingforlissa

Escape your life for a little while — come play in mine.

Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Oh, those crazy MIT kids!

Posted by Lissa on April 9, 2010

Pure distilled awesome:

See the rest here.

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I woke up this morning . . .

Posted by Lissa on April 1, 2010

. . . to find a unicorn by my bed, a steaming cup of coffee balanced on his head.  Rajah was perched on the magical creature’s back; he held nonfat nondairy creamer between his fuzzy paws and gravely offered it to me as I hopped out of bed.  It was, of course, 3:00 AM.  After inhaling my coffee I began my usual morning round of scrubbing each and every window, vacuuming and then steam-cleaning the carpets, wiping down the kitchen with bleach, and crocheting a new hat for Rajah.

All my morning chores done, I sliced up carrots, celery, onions and garlic, added spices, then set my homemade vegetable stock to simmer.  I always make my own stock, you know; how else would I create my famous 10-Minute No-Calorie Tastes-Like-Butter So-Good-It’ll-Make-You-Weep Gourmet Meals?

I then went out for a run.  I took a quick run down the street, paused to get water at my office in Boston, then ran on back to Lissaville.  For a bit of practice I climbed up the side of the building rather than using that wussy elevator. A passing policeman looked a bit askance at me but I blew him a kiss and he went on his way, dazed.

Once back at the apartment I cleaned up the kitchen (again) and then showered and dressed. I spent forty-five minutes blow-drying and straightening my hair before twisting it into an eminently professional yet ethereally flattering style.  I made my lunch and prepared to depart for work.

Only then I realized that it was only six AM and I had hours yet to spare.  So I put my lunch in the fridge, kicked off my commuter-stilettos and set about solving world peace.

Do I even need to say April Fools?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

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Happy Caturday – Stachetastic edition!

Posted by Lissa on March 27, 2010

Rajah sings . . .

O Senor Don Gato was a cat.
On a high red roof Don Gato sat.
He was there to read a letter,
(meow, meow, meow)
where the reading light was better,
(meow, meow, meow)
‘Twas a love-note for Don Gato!

“I adore you,” wrote the ladycat,
who was fluffy white, and nice and fat.
There was not a sweeter kitty,
(meow, meow, meow)
in the country or the city
(meow, meow, meow)
and she said she’d wed Don Gato!

O Senor Don Gato jumped with glee!
He fell off the roof and broke his knee,
broke his ribs and all his whiskers,
(meow, meow, meow)
and his little solar plexus
(meow, meow, meow)
“Ay Caramba!!” cried Don Gato.

All the doctors they came on the run,
just to see if something could be done.
And they held a consultation,
(meow, meow, meow)
about how to save their patient,
(meow, meow, meow)
how to save Senor Don Gato.

But in spite of everything they tried,
poor Senor Don Gato up and died.
No, it wasn’t very merry,
(meow, meow, meow)
going to the cemetary,
(meow, meow, meow)
for the ending of Don Gato.

But as the the funeral passed the market square,
such a smell of fish was in the air,
though the burial was plated,
(meow, meow, meow)
he became reanimated,
(meow, meow, meow)
he came back to life, Don Gato!

(Breda started it!)

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Marko and xkcd seem to be telling me . . .

Posted by Lissa on March 22, 2010

That’s it’s time to re-read The Lord of the Rings trilogy:

Make sure you click through for the hover-over text!

Marko’s post is here.  I just love it when the universe falls into order.  Say “friend” and enter . . .

UPDATE: I didn’t get it from Heath J, but he should get credit for being first!  Also, Mike thinks it should be “Speak, friend, and enter.”  I think I posted the correct version, despite what Gandalf may have originally believed.  Your thoughts?

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Quote of the Day

Posted by Lissa on January 18, 2010

The quote of the day comes from my father, who wrote:

“I wish I lived in Massachusetts!  That way, I could vote for a Brown who was light-skinned, with no Negro dialect.”

I come by my snark honestly, y’all.  ;-)

P.S. Thank you, everyone, for the good vision wishes!  Healing continues apace!

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Overslept!

Posted by Lissa on December 23, 2009

Sorry y’all!  I rolled out of bed barely in time to make a dash for the shower and catch my train.  Since I had nothing of my own to share, I’ll send you here for today’s amusement.  The lesson:  Sweet, sweet alcohol is a naughty girl!  Also, some of y’all are lucky to still be alive.

My personal fave:

Third was, few years ago when I moved to Chicago for a while, I was partying pretty hard with my friend. We got our pizza at 3 am and I got into a “cab”. I yelled at the driver “State and Grand” the street I lived on.

Then I said to the drivers “why is there a cage wall in your cab?” Then I asked, “why are there two cab drivers wearing hats?”. Turns out, I crawled into the back of a cop car in front of hundreds of people. They were like “ma’mam [sic] you’re in a police car. You’re IN A POLICE CAR!!”. I sarted [sic] telling them to take me home and I couldn’t get out of the back seat.

They finally started laughing and let me out. They had to help me get out because I was locked in. My friends were laughing so hard that they were on the sidewalk laying down pissing themselves.

Lay off the eggnog, honey.

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TOTALLY guilty as charged!

Posted by Lissa on November 7, 2009

Yes, this is how I buy my shoes. I bought another pair today, in fact.  They’re very comfy.

Money quote:  “While only 38 percent of men own more than seven pairs of shoes, the average woman owns somewhere between “a s***-ton of shoes” and “a number of shoes so f***ing vast it had to wait for scientific notation to be invented to be expressed on paper.”

(Asterisks are mine.  I can only aspire to such heights of comedic swearing as the Cracked folks achieve on a daily basis.)

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If Jon Stewart says so, does that make it official?

Posted by Lissa on September 17, 2009

I don’t watch the Daily Show much, but this clip made me laugh.

I completely agree — anyone who fell for this self-described whitest-of-white-guys pimp character needs to get a little more sleep at night.

(h/t everyone and their mother.  So I’m late to the party, so what?)

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Your daily funny

Posted by Lissa on August 28, 2009

“This is like lighter fluid,” Sandy explained as he went back for another sip. Mad Dog’s not really hard per se, but it is almost cloyingly sweet, and it punches you right in the face. The grainy texture of the hooch is jarring with the completely ass-backward flavor pairing of kiwis and lemons. After debating over what could possibly be a worse flavor combination, we agree on loganberries and dog Shakespeare.

These brave taste-testers went looking for the best cheap beer, malt liquor and wine.  Put down your drink before you click over.  And for god’s sake, I hope you’re not drinking what they’re drinking.

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IT’S COMIN’ RIGHT FOR US!!!

Posted by Lissa on August 20, 2009

Since everyone else is doing it . . .

Squirrel gun!

Chickens and squirrels get along just fine!

Get 'im, Rajah!!

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