How High Heels Caused The Decline of Western Civilization
Posted by Lissa on June 9, 2011
Once upon a time all humans went barefoot. We gathered and hunted, drank pure water and breathed clean air, and lived happily ever after.
Oh, and there were unicorns.
It all changed with the arrival of designer footwear.
Suddenly women were encouraged to strap little poles onto their feet. Gone was the natural equilibrium and balance for which we were designed. Physical agility was banished in favor of looking two to four inches taller.
And what, pray tell, has been the result??
CULTIVATION OF FEMALE HELPLESSNESS. No longer able to kill our own bears and drag them back to our kitchens, women began depending on men to provide sustenance.
DEMONIZATION OF MEN. Learned female helplessness was quickly followed by resentment of those were were NOT helpless, I.e., those who were not tottering about with sticks on their soles. Also, men’s shoes were a lot more comfy. Those bastards!
And finally, and worst of all — Stilettos –> Stilts –> CIRCUS CLOWNS. EVIL, EVIL CIRCUS CLOWNS.
The snake in the garden of Eden gave Eve a pair of snakeskin pumps, by the way. Then she used them to kill unicorns.
Yup, there’s pretty much no evil on the face of the earth that doesn’t stem from women’s high-heeled shoes.
….. Why no, I’m not BitterHateRage-y over going to New York City, Land of Fashion and Beauty, and being forced by my sesamoiditis to wear Croc flats the whole time. Why do you ask?
UPDATE: Jay G is amused. Thanks!